A Broken Institutional Relic From A Less Civilised Time

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By the time you read this I could well be locked up in the Tower of London, for I, Rachael of Swindon, have been watching Netflix instead of the compulsory mourning over on the BBC, which now resembles the set of ‘It’s a Knockout’, set in Medieval times.

Oddly enough, they had the Royal family on that programme once upon a time. 

It featured Prince Edward, Princess Anne, Sarah Ferguson, and Prince Nonce as non-participating team captains, with stars including John Travolta, Cliff Richard, Meat Loaf and Rodney from Only Fools and Horses, prancing around in fancy dress. 

It was an embarrassing, awkward disaster, of course, only made worse when you realise it was presented by another predator, Stuart Hall, a man that pleaded guilty in court to 14 charges of indecent assault involving 13 girls aged between 9 and 17 years old. 

But I digress. Sort of. 

Charles is not my king, and this is not my Royal Family. Allow me to tell you why.

The British Crown legally owns 6.6 billion acres of land across the world. This is one sixth of the surface of the earth, which means the new King is now now the world’s largest landowner by some fucking distance.

The next biggest landowner is the King of Saudi Arabia, struggling to get by with just 553 million acres of land, some twelve times less than not my King, Charles. 

This was entirely unrelated to the three lots of cash stuffed in a suitcase, totalling €3m, donated to Charles, personally, from Sheikh Hamad bin Jassim bin Jaber Al Thani, obviously.

Imagine owning one sixth of the surface of planet Earth whilst 14.5 million of your British subjects – including 4.3 million children – are living in poverty. 

This worsening poverty is killing at least 90,000 people – every single year – with working-age adults twice as likely to die below the poverty line as pensioners. Sadly, most of them will die believing in a ruling class that has done absolutely nothing for them.

Charles could do something about this. 

What’s the point in being a King if all you plan to do is attend flower shows, military cosplay and record a broadcast to play to the peasants on Christmas Day when you could start making the whole world a better place? Fucking baffling.

I can’t be the only person that finds this bewildering and disgusting? It feels like it at times, wandering around Tesco with the late Elizabeth staring back at me in the toilet roll aisle, reminding me of my obligation – my boot lickers duty –  to mourn her sad loss. 

One Tesco store I saw on Twitter had literally made a shrine to the late Queen out of Heinz baked bean cans. And they’re £1.20 a can. We’ve seen cycle racks in mourning, for crying out loud, and this staggeringly awful tribute mural in London looks like Pat Butcher’s long lost sister. 

Britain has gone utterly batshit.

If you want to mourn, you go for it, you have every right to do so, but don’t allow yourself to become a victim of this crazed conformity where you feel like it’s some sort of patriotic duty.

Don’t allow your unexpected sorrow for a 96 year old lady who lived a life of unimaginable privilege to trick you into forgetting about the people dying every single day due to state-sponsored poverty, because they deserve the same respect that you demand we lavish upon your late Queen.

We really can afford to live without a monarchy, and NOW is exactly the right time to start talking about it. It is 2022. Nothing ever lasts forever. 

The Royal Family is a repulsive, aristocratic antiquity of a less civilised time. Stick that up your land of hope and glory.

Charles’s accession is being done at breakneck speeds to avoid the debate of having a hereditary monarchy. In any form of a functioning democracy this is utterly deplorable.

Free speech has fallen victim to this relentless attempt to silence all dissenters. It is painful to witness the media and the institution insidiously working hand in hand to shame you for having a different opinion to the masses.

Genuinely, it feels like most of the country has stepped up a level from its Tory-voting lunacy to this bizarre compulsory grieving of the passing of a jewel-hoarding billionaire whilst simultaneously celebrating the accession of Charles III, the new coloniser-in-chief. 

Our nation is in a pitiful state. Our global stock has been reduced to that of a good place to launder money and bribe the political class, we are quite literally swimming around in our own shit, our NHS is in a permanent state of crisis, inflation is soaring, wages are falling, our people are hungry. 

God save the King? Not a fucking chance I’m afraid.

Now that I’ve seen the institution in action I am even more convinced it’s time to move away from this absurd idea of being ruled over by a very rich untouchable family without so much as a single vote to put them their in the first place.

Just because something is “traditional” it doesn’t mean it is correct or necessary. 

Britain has a tradition of enslavement, colonialism, genocide and famine, we have shamefully plundered the riches of the world and called them our own. 

We are not the sixth richest nation in the world, we have the sixth largest economy in the world, and if you haven’t yet realised our economy only works for the very richest people in society, I’m surprised you’re still reading this.

Think about the Crown Jewels for a moment. 23,578 diamonds and gemstones, many of which were robbed from countries invaded and enslaved by Britain. They are described by Historic Royal Palaces as “the nation’s most precious treasures”. 

They go on to say, “The Crown Jewels are priceless, being of incalculable cultural, historical, and symbolic value. They are part of the Royal Collection, held in trust by the monarch for the nation”. 

I appreciate you can’t just nip down to Cash Converters like us plebs, offering them the Sovereign’s Sceptre with Cross, containing a 530.2 carat diamond – the largest colourless cut diamond in the world. 

But I reckon Charles’s contacts in the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia will give him a fair price for it. 

These are your jewels. No monarchy, no jewels, sell them to the highest bidder and feed the poor.

The unelected elite live by an entirely set of rules to the rest of us. 

The British people are willing, obedient, and unquestioning – strong arm tactics aren’t needed. This abhorrent system has been created by manufacturing consent using corporate propaganda helped along by the media and commercialism.

Do you think the Royal Family worked to acquire its property? 

Do you think the Royal Family worked to acquire its wealth? 

Do you think the Royal Family worked to acquire its prestige? 

Does it not matter that all of these things have been passed down to them due to the accident of their birth? 

It’s not envy, I’m happy with my lot, but that doesn’t stop me from believing this life of unrestrained opulence that is gifted to the Royal Family – simply for being born with the right surname – is charity money being handed over to the most undeserving charity you could ever possibly imagine. 

Look at the business with the inheritance tax on the Crown Estate. 

Most of you will pay 40% inheritance tax on anything you inherit over £325,000, yet Charles is not liable for a penny thanks to a deal negotiated between the crown and John Major’s government in 1993, effectively exempting the monarch from paying the same tax as everyone else. 

NOW is the exactly the right time to be having the debate. 

Can we really afford a Royal Family in 2022? 

Do you really think tourists would stop visiting our little insignificant island because Charles doesn’t sit outside Buckingham Palace offering selfies at fifty quid a pop? Of course they wouldn’t. 

Open up the palaces for people to have a nose around. Privatise them for all I care. 

Child poverty is predicted to reach 5 million next year. That’s 5 million kids living a shit life while the new tax-dodging King – surrounded by his extreme wealth – gets to play fancy dress, and I find that morally repugnant. 

There has to be a time when the massive financial and sycophantic political support to a tiny family elite must come to an end. The Royals are an obscene relic of a brutal and shameful monarchical past.

For me, that time, in case you had any doubt whatsoever, is now. 

Abolish the monarchy.

Thanks for reading. 


Thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts, if you want to chip in towards improving my ongoing campaign, and it would cause you *no hardship*, you can do so here:

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